bchaos's Diaryland Diary



For a while now i've been wanting to get back to my diary... to write my very last entry. This outlet no longer fulfills what i had hoped would accomplish.
Yes, it makes for a great mirror, and builds introspective. Its a great place to let my fingers do the typing and my mind to wander, without having to worry TOO much about my spelling or grammatical errors, blah blah blah.
But, i'm honestly tired of looking at the mirror. I no longer see a need and its the same face, the same issues that have always -and at this point- will haunt me for the rest of my life.
So, i give up.
The time is now to move on, just like with SoldierBoy, bah!

Oh, that reminds me. I've been teased that this 'Jon' situation is tempted to move into another 'Crackers/SoldierBoy' situation. But, to be honest its just not going to happen.
Although, i'm great for sabotaging a GREAT friendship when i see it, but there are far too many variables. Most of it had to do with internal wiring.
For example, i love the guy, i have a deep respect for him. I enjoy his company and i like to hang out. But, i certainly don't see him like i did SoldierBoy. So, its safe to say it wont turn into that. The only real thing that makes me uneasy about Jon, other than the mild flirting (ha!) is there have occasions where i've become jealous over him. Weird huh? But again, i just don't feel a physical draw to him at all.
Eh, enough said. No point in over-thinking this one.

It did however prompt a few friends to place ads online on my behalf. I laughed it off, until i started getting the emails -they were serious!
Some great guys out there and i'll probably start to date again soon. Of course, only to push someone away or realize that i just HATE dating.
I've said it before and i'll say it again; i'm just not in the position to date until i fix myself! I have issues and i'm owning it! Yes, i feel unworthy and that will be a complex that will forever be with me. Sad story, but you know what. It took all this diary-writing to figure it out. I know now my issues and no need to keep revisiting them.

THE BOOK. Ah yes, the infamous book. It is finally done, done an entry ago. I'm very excited and just elated!
The editing process unfortunately isn't too thrilling -who am i kidding, IT ISN'T! The editing process will probably take just as long as the writing. Once i'm done, its off to the professionals and then back to me to make the suggested changes and then back out.
I've gotten to know a lot of editors, publishers, authors, freelance writers, agents, etc over tw1tter. An amazing tool!
Tw1tter is where the majority of my focus is right now. It's where i spend every day on.
This isn't to say i have A LOT of followers, i'm barely reaching 100. But, there are plenty of people to meet. Unfortunately my name is FINALLY starting to pop on the internet. And if you've kept up, i'm very weird when it comes to my name. So, now that i'm out there its freaking me out! It took what... 24yrs for this to happen? So, with the realization that my name is out there in good conscience i'm taking this diary offline.

VictimVille Monica will be coming this weekend, ah my beloved friends.
She will be helping me on the send-off of this virtual existence. It was fun, it was great. Love it!
For any interested, you can follow me on tw1tter, while not as fun as entertaining as my existence HERE, i will try to keep you amused.
(oh, and i have TWO tw1tter accts, hope you can guess which one is me!)

I will be revamping my book's site soon, followed by an author page with some minor blogging -which will NOT include ANY of the stuff i've written about here, but, it should still be fun. So, i will keep writing elsewhere. For any out there that kept up, thanks for reading.

Back to Jon and regarding me sabotaging friendships/relationships.
I develop acquaintances fairly easy, some blossom into friendships. However, i can rarely have a best friend. For me to tear down walls takes a lot of time. I think this is one thing about Jon that scares me, is the fact that despite my sexuality, my weirdness, and my many flaws, he's still around. I don't get it. I haven't experienced this in a long time. Heck, it reminds me of my old best friend Romeo. There's something very dejavu about this and once again i put my guard up not wanting to let this blossom. I'm not entirely sure why he puts up with my insecurities or deepest thoughts.
Sometimes it depresses me to think that i'm just amusement, now this isn't in a funny light. Amusement in a cruel and ridiculing way. The type where carnivals come around and people gawk at the freak. I half envision him laughing at my flaws with his wife and friends. It isn't the greatest image, but its one i have often.
He knows i have serious trust issues, but he's said he sees "potential." Not entirely sure if he means just our friendship or me. Whatever.
Again, he's a good person.
And here, we can spiral into a paragraph of how i'm so unworthy to have him as a friend, but... we've been there before.

I've started writing my second book; granted not done editing my first one. But, i did learn that i shouldn't stall my muse, i shouldn't halt my creativity while i have it. I've read in many places that its one of the biggest mistakes writers make. So, if the thought is there, i write it.
I'm excited about my next work, not only because its a loose continuation of my finished work, but because its 100 years later and from the perspective of a different type of character.

Life is changing very fast for me right now. I'm in a situation i've never been before career-wise, financially, and personally.
I'm honestly lost.
But, i keep telling myself that its like being in rough seas in the middle of the ocean; you just HAVE to keep kicking!
I hate to recall an old memory, but i remember SoldierBoy's own advice when he found himself in that icy river. He wanted to give up, but found that inner strength that just kept him pushing.
I have no idea whats become of him, Romeo, or everyone else i left about a year ago. It doesn't really matter.
Like i mentioned, i will be reactivating my f@cebook acct soon and be ready to take them all down as friends, because the reality is, they're really not and i'm doing no one any good by just 'appearing' to be the bigger person. Reality is, you gotta live for yourself and not please someone else.
I don't know where i'm going. That is the truth.
I hold on to hope that this book opens up new avenues for me. Again, not to say i'll become a popular writer, but hope it leads me to a better career, one i enjoy. I hope i find some great friends and finally learn to hold on to them.
I've learn to keep a tight circle of friends that i write to, similar to my diaries. I call them COMPASS, MUSE, and SOUL MATES. Each category holds a few people. Different distros/emails are sent to each, unless its for 'general' release. I've honestly yet to know where Jon fits into all this.
COMPASS includes my pseudo mom of course, and Monica and Eric. MUSE includes Sebastian and a few others. SOUL MATES really only has one, a good friend from IL. She's been my rock at times. She knows my inner workings very well. She's my emotional-soul-mate in that she reacts to situations exactly as i would have (emotionally). She's an amazing person, and i've created a character in my second book after her. Lily.

Ema is doing alright. She's 18 now. WOW. Nephew JJ is doing well. Love that little guy. The father is still a loser, and jobless.
Ema and i have talked a few times and we're working at our relationship, hoping to rekindle things and patch the holes left by our last argument over two years ago.
She's still my little sister :-)

John, my lil bro. Love that little man too. Unfortunately he still suffers from random allergies, all of which we account and monitor. We take him to the doctors, trying desperately to figure things out. I only hope he grows out of them when he gets older. The good news is he doesn't have them as frequently, maybe once every other month.
Recently he made his own conscience decision to no longer talk to dad. It shocked me to find out this out (he's only 8). When asked why he said, "I always call him and he never picks up. So, when he wants to talk to me he can call me."
It really tugged at my heart. Poor kid.

My mother, still a mess. An emotional mess for many reasons. She never has good news for me and each time i talk to her i'm attacked with bad news from every stretch of the family. I finally had to admit to her that it was the reason i never visit my family. Its the reason i've cut them all off. I got my own issues to deal with and i don't have time for petty squabbles over "who didn't visit whom" or who did something stupid and landed in jail. I know for a fact that if i came out to my mother i could never again visit my relatives. So, i may as well beat them to the punch. I'm an orphan, i'm owning THAT too! Ha!
My friends are my family, my only family and all i really need.
I have human-envy though. I envy with every breath i take the advantages regular society has. But well, we can't delve into this one either.

My father!
I'm never talking to him again. Like i mentioned in an earlier entry. The last time i talked to him was on my bday, asking me for technical support. Nothing since then. I mean, i don't expect a present, but... at least happy birthday. Nope. He forgot. His oldest son from his first marriage... completely dismissed.
Its funny i mention the technical support part, because i've told all my friends that its the only reason he's ever called. Its true, my friends all keep track of the times he's called; so much that every time i used to mention he called they'd go, "Was it for technical support?"
Then again, they've also stated how uneasy it is for them to ask for technical support because they fear my father's stigma. But these people are my friends, they don't ONLY call me for that.
I dreamt one night that i told my father i was gay. But i know the only reason i told him was to hurt him, hurt his pride and then admit, "This is why i've changed my last name!" But, there's no winning in that situation and it'd only go back to my mother.
I dare not tell my mother until my brother is older, perhaps in his teens or older. From experience, i dont want him to feel the burden of a distraught mother. That, and i fear she'll isolate him from me. The kid has gone thru enough. Heck, it was traumatizing for him when i moved out. It all happened at once! Mom moved, i moved out, Ema got pregnant and got kicked out. Very traumatic for a kid of 5 at the time. My mother told me the stories how he'd clutch pictures of the family and cry, because he missed us so much. So, i dare not put my brother thru that.

This entry is far too long, there was a lot to say.

Who knows what new adventures lay. I have no idea. i've returned to school. My job is steady. I'm working overtime once more. I fear i will forever be stuck in a routine. So, wish me luck on this book.

I take a bow and thank you for reading.

6:23 p.m. - 2009-06-09


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